New Company Policy

To all employees:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,
older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting
the retention of the younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a plan to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal, via retirement will be put into effect immediately. This
program will be known as RAPE) (Retire Aged Personnel early).
Employees who have been RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for
other jobs outside the company. Provided that they are RAPED, they can
request a review of their employment records before retirement takes
place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of
Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who are RAPED and SCREWED can request an appeal with upper
management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of this new policy, an employee may by
RAPED once, and SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to
get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance), or
CLAP (combined lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he/she already has
AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP
are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or
CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain with us,
the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well
trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company
takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given
our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any
employee feels he/she has not received enough SHIT on the job, see your
immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make
sure that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

Sincerely,

Management

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